Plans….

So there’s this guy and we’ve been trying to make plans to hang out since mid-Spring quarter, and honestly I was getting to a point where I was like “I am never going to text him again”

Today he texted me, didn’t bother to ask if I was free but rather what I was doing.

Finally after weeks and weeks of trying to make plans we made plans

To be honest, it’s basically a date 

Like we’re gonna cook together and it’s just gonna be us

He’s even gonna pick me up from work for crying out loud 

It’s a date

I’m pretty sure he’s still with his gf

At least I think he is 

Anyways I have a date

But before this date I have hella shit to get ready, to clean, and papers to write

Ima kinda excited lolol

,,

You are so brave and quiet I forget you are suffering.

Ernest Hemingway, A Farewell to Arms (via fajinas)

(Source: larmoyante, via vodkakilledtheteens)

Love is a Journey: An Unrequited Affair

A bit of background:

So today while procrastinating on my homework I decided to go through my old Facebook posts of mine from two, three years ago and I swear there were so many vague posts alluding to my unrequited affair. It’s embarrassing, but it is something I often write about since it is something that I remember well, that I still feel.

I’m going to start at the beginning (I mean obviously) but the reason I say this is because this affair began before I even knew it. So here it goes I hope this narrative doesn’t suck.

                             Love is a Journey: An Unrequited Affair

White slip on Vans, red Bullhead Jeans, and a white tee shirt. That was the outfit I picked to wear on the first day of high school. I had no friends that first day, since the people who I thought were my friends were a bunch of fucking assholes who got upset with me for confessing to their mother where the hell they were that one day they ditched our summer school class. They talked mad shit about me, to everyone, our friends at the same high school as us and our friends at other high schools, essentially they left me friendless. So you might be wondering, why do I remember my first day of school outfit, there are a few reasons. The first being “It was the first day of high school why wouldn’t I remember that outfit,” the second I loved those pants so damn much, and the third (and most important reason) was because my future best friend, Jen, was wearing the same outfit and we had five classes together. We essentially had the same schedule, and didn’t know each other and were wearing the same thing. I swear every teacher was like “How cute I have twins” and we were both like “This bitch would wear the same fucking thing as me on literally the day that defines the rest of my life.”

The first day of high school is bullshit, high school in general is bullshit. It’s this torture chamber that some people look back fondly upon, while there’s people like myself, who know it didn’t mean anything, it was an obligatory step in life, the golden ticket to the big leagues: the real world. It doesn’t matter how you start, but how you finish, and most importantly that you finish. That was high school for me, but that first day of school was important, because that was the day I first laid eyes on Jesus Antonio Aguilar.

I remember that moment so well, it was in second period Spanish. I sat in the front row, close to the door. I didn’t know anyone so I figured it would be best to sit near the door where I could make my escape to my sister’s locker as soon as the bell rang, because you know I had no friends, therefore no one to hangout with during nutrition. Jen was in that class, she sat close to the air-conditioning in front of Tony (Jesus Antonio Aguilar), who was making her laugh. I remember my first impression of him was “This asshole is someone to stay away from.” Those were my first thoughts about the kid who I let my life revolve around for two years.

School followed the normal procedures, getting assigned seats, making new friends and reigniting friendships with old friends from elementary school and in my case reconciling with my “friends” (but that’s a story for another day). Tony was no where on my radar, he was just the kid I absolutely despised for no reason since he was our Spanish teacher’s favorite. That was all he was to me, some kid that our Spanish teacher loved. That was until our second semester when our Spanish teacher sat us next to each other.

That happened the first day of Spring semester, as soon as she sat him next to me I rolled my eyes, and that was when he spoke the first words he ever spoke to me which where “Rude much?” and my words to him were “Excuse me?” He never answered my question, and we never spoken until our second test that semester. I remember he looked over as our teacher was passing them back and he said “You beat me!” I didn’t know how to respond, I looked him at in disbelief because we had sat next to each other for a month and we had never even bothered to look at each other let alone talk to each other. I ended up looking over at his test and saying “Looks like it.” Then he told me “You’re really smart Marcela” and from there we became acquaintances,  and eventually I invited him to be part of my quinceañera (which he couldn’t be, I still invited him to my party but again he couldn’t go). That was our freshman year.

Fast forward to Sophmore year, and the first day of school. The first day of gym class requires you to sit in the humid gym. Sophmore year I opted not to take dance, as I was uncoordinated and didn’t feel like being embarrassed by being required to dance in front of my peers. Gym, is usually a class with 55 guys and 5 girls. My class was no different, and the only person I recognized in my gym class was Tony. I had three classes with him that year, but the first semester of gym was how we grew from friends to acquaintances. There was this guy who sat between us in role call, and he and I used to flirt. Tony thought he was bad news, so whenever there was an opportunity to prevent him from talking to me Tony would. Tony and I got really close Sophomore year.

That was when I began to develop a bit of a crush on him, we would text all the time (I would go over my texting limit for that kid, like $40 over my limit every month).We sat next to each other in our classes.  We would volunteer to do stuff together, whenever we had projects for we spent hours on the phone talking about them.  Our conversations went from school to our favorite music and movies. At some point we had to do a group project for our Spanish class, and we went to our friend’s house (at the time she was my friend, due to an incident that came from that project (a story for another day) we didn’t speak for tow years, unless it was required since we were in the same social circles and church group). We ate dinner at her house as a group, and Tony and I sat next to each other since we were best friends, and the girls knew I had a crush on him. It was then that my “friend’s” mom told me “Marcela, it’s so nice to meet your boyfriend.” That was so awkward, but we moved past it.

Tony and I remained friends, and when the incident occurred he was the only friend I had left. I moved seats in Spanish because I couldn’t handle siting near people who I felt I betrayed me, I remember him being upset because I moved seats. He would arrive earlier just to sit with me for at least a few minutes every morning just to make sure I was ok, to talk about whatever had been on TV the night before or about homework for our other classes. Those few precious minutes were very special to me.

Fast forward to our junior year, we had three classes together and one class in the same building that took a five minute trek to get there (this building that was out in the boonies on our campus) and we would walk together everyday. Junior year, was our year. All of our teachers knew we were a package deal, it was always Tony and Marcela this, Tony and Marcela that. Junior year my identity aligned with him so much. if one of us was ever missing our teacher’s knew to ask the other, I went to every single one of him home games for soccer. He sent me supportive texts before every cross country meet. That was the year he shared with me about his family, and I told him about my brother and my growing faith. That was the year we told each other our hopes and dreams, we talked about college, about his aspiring DJ and soccer career, that was the year I fell in love with him. That was the year he broke my heart. That was the year we fell apart.

It all started with an argument, a stupid argument too. But I walked away from him and cut him out for two weeks, and when I was ready to talk to him he was pissed. I made several attempts and eventually I spent the remainder of my junior year in tears. I couldn’t look at him without crying. I cried so much, and I remember our teacher’s got involved. Our History teacher, our Spanish teacher (the same one from our freshman year), and our English teacher all got involved. In some way shape or form they got involved. From talking to him, talking to me, from sending me out of class because I was crying, to moving my seat. But the end of my junior year I might as well have been in a puddle. 

Fast forward senior year, we talked on occasion and when need be. One of us missed class, or something like that it ended. I had started to get over him, but that was the year when it became clear to me our friendship would never be the same. We were close, several times, but it never happened. I’m never gonna forget the last time I saw him. Graduation. He was wearing a bright teal dress shirt and I was was wearing my confirmation dress. We were supposed to be getting ready to get in line and I was with my friends taking selfies and he approached us, I figured he was going to talk to everyone but me but he said. “Marcela, where are we supposed to go?” and it was like the first moment he spoken to me, he left me speechless, but I answered and then he reached out and pulled me into the last hug he ever gave me and he said “You look so pretty, we need to take a picture to make up for our awkward ones from senior breakfast.” I just nodded.

As soon as the ceremony ended I left, to be honest I ran. I didn’t take a single picture at my graduation. Because like I said high school is bullshit. We spoke a few more times but our friendship ended. I still have his phone number, and I still miss him sometimes. Because my life was about him for two years. He was my everything, but now when I look back I just think that I was an idiot. I was in love with someone who told me he could never return those feelings. 

He told me, he could never love me the way I loved him. 

He told me.

He told me he could never feel the same way he felt about me.

I knew, since the beginning of  our junior year, I knew for two years, I knew he would never love me.

He’s been dating this girl who is a former friend of mine, for two years now, and I’ve been rooting for them since the day he told me he liked her, since the day he told me he loved her, since the day she asked me if I still had feelings for him, since the day he told me she no longer wanted us to be friends.

With time and distance I’ve gotten over him, I can go on his instagram and check up on him and not feel sad. See that he is happy with his girl friend, and probably has forgotten all about me. I can get through days without thinking of him, and when I do think of him I can get past it without being sad.

But to be honest I avoid going to what I call “his” side of the valley. When I’m home I avoid leaving my house in fear that I might see him or worse his girlfriend. I have this integrity thing, and his girlfriend is a fake bitch, and if I run into her in public I will damn well tell her.

Before they started dating she decided to text me in order figure out my feelings, I knew that she was doing. The last thing I told her was “Look, I’m not over Tony, I liked him for two years, that’s not gonna go away over night. I also know that he doesn’t like me, and that he likes you and you like him. He told me that y’all are gonna do something for your birthday. That’s sweet. Katie, all I want for him is his happiness, because he deserves it. To be honest I don’t care about you, you haven’t talked to me for a year and when shit went down with Genesis you dropped me faster than a bug, but Tony, Tony was always there and I will always love him. If it means not being with him or even being his friend fine. As long as he’s happy.”

The next day Tony texted me to say Katie wouldn’t date him if we were friends. He asked me what did I thought he should do, not date her and be my friend (he didn’t want that) date her but talk to me behind her back (I didn’t want that or to be the “other woman”) or cut me out altogether. I told him that the third option was best, and I remember him at the point calling to ask why.

I told him “Tony, there is a part of me that will always love you I don’t know why, I wish I did. That part of me will always exist. But the part of me that is in love with you will eventually get over you, it might take days it might take years, but that will only happen with time and distance. I will always be there for you, but for right now I need to be there for me. I want you to be happy, because you deserve it and because I love you. Yes I’m saying love. God damn it Tony, I’ve loved you for two years, knowing you would never love me back, and it’s about time I said it to you. I love you and yes I’m in love with you. But we’re going off to college and I need to grow up, you are not the world, even if I think you are.Tony go be happy with her, just be happy ok. If you ever need me I am a phone call, text message away.”

The last conversation I ever had with him, and I didn’t let him respond I gave him my piece and hung up and didn’t answer his calls, and eventually he never called me ever again. 

I don’t think I got over him fully until mid-freshman year of college. And sometimes I think of him.

But today there was this post on imgur that said

“One day, whether you

are 14,

28

or 65

you will stumble upon 

someone who will start 

a first in you that cannot die.

However, the saddest,

most awful truth you will 

ever come to find—-

is they are not always

with whom we spend our lives.”

And it reminded me of him, and my journey in love, an unrequited affair. For a long time (an embarrassing long time) I thought he was the love of my life. I thought that this guy who I had been attached at the hip to was the love of my life, like really. And to be honest a lot of people tried slapping sense into me about it. A lot of people (including his girlfriend before and after they were a couple) told me we wouldn’t work, that I wasn’t his type, that I was wrong for him. But that’s never what you should tell someone who’s in love. That’s also something you should never tell anyone.

No one has the right to dictate how someone else feels, only share their opinion. But I’ve learned that I didn’t know any better, I was fragile and immature when I fell in love that was why I was so attached.

But as gotten to college, and developed new unrequited affairs. I realize that love will happen when it is meant to happen. Love can’t be forced. Love just happens.

About Me

My personality:

  • I’m loud.
  • I’m obnoxious. (sometimes)
  • I’m sarcastic.
  • I’m cocky.
  • I cry easily.
  • I have a bad temper.
  • I’m easy to get along with.
  • I have more enemies than friends.
  • I’ve smoked.
  • I’ve smoked weed.
  • I drink coffee.
  • I clean my room daily.

My appearance:

  • I wear a piece of jewelry at all times.
  • I wear makeup. (Not a lot)
  • I wear contacts.
  • I wear glasses.
  • I have had braces.
  • I change my hair colour often.
  • I straighten my hair often.
  • I have a piercing.
  • I have small feet.


Relationships:

  • I’m in a relationship now.
  • I’m single.
  • I’m crushin’. 
  • I’m always scared of being hurt.
  • An ex has physically abused me at least once.
  • I’ve told someone I loved them when I didn’t.
  • I’ve told someone I didn’t love them when I did.
  • I’ve been in love more than two times.
  • I believe in love at first sight.
  • I believe lust is more important than love. 


Friendships:

  • I have a best friend. 
  • I have at least ten friends.
  • I’ve gotten a phone call in the last 48 hours from a friend.
  • I’ve beaten up a friend.
  • I’ve been in a serious fight with a friend.


Experiences:

  • I’ve been on a plane.
  • I’ve been on a train.
  • Someone close to me has passed away.
  • I’ve taken a taxi.
  • I’ve taken a city bus.
  • I’ve taken a school bus.
  • I’ve gone bungee jumping.
  • I’ve made a speech.
  • I’ve been in some sort of club.
  • I’ve won an award.
  • I’ve spent 24 Hours on the computer straight.
  • I’ve been in a physical fight. 


Music:

  • I listen to R&B.
  • I listen to country.
  • I listen to pop.
  • I listen to techno.
  • I listen to rock.
  • I’m one of those people who play songs repeatedly until I hate it.
  • I hate the radio.
  • I download music. (iTunes)
  • I buy CD’s. (sometimes)


Television:

  • I spend at least six hours a day watching television.
  • I watch soap operas daily.
  • I’m in love with Days of Our Lives. 
  • I’ve seen and liked the O.C.
  • I’ve seen and liked One Tree Hill.
  • I’ve seen and liked Americas Next Top Model.
  • I’ve seen and liked Popular.
  • I’ve seen and liked 24.
  • I’ve seen and liked CSI.
  • I’ve seen and liked Law & Order: SVU.


Family Life:

  • I get along with both of my parents.
  • My biological parents are still together.
  • I have at least one brother.
  • I have at least one sister.
  • I have at least one step brother/sister.
  • I have at least one half brother/sister.
  • I’ve been kicked out of the house.
  • I’ve ran away from my home.
  • I’ve sworn at my parent(s).
  • I’ve made my parents cry.
  • I’ve lied to my parents.
  • I’ve lied to my parents about where I am.
  • I’ve lied to my parents about what I’m doing.
  • I’ve lied to my parents so I’d be allowed out.
  • I’ve walked out when I’ve been grounded.


Hair:

  • I’ve been brown. 
  • I’ve had streaks.
  • I’ve cut my hair in the past year.
  • I’ve dyed my hair in the past year.
  • I’ve been blonde
  • I’ve had black.
  • I’ve been red.
  • I’ve been light brown.
  • I’ve been blue/green.
  • I’ve gotten my hair thinned. 
  • I use conditioner.
  • I’ve used silk therapy.
  • I’ve used hot oil treatments.
  • I’ve curled my hair. 
  • I’ve straightened my hair.
  • I’ve ironed my hair.
  • I’ve braided my hair.

School:

  • I’ve yelled at a teacher.
  • I’ve been suspended.
  • I’ve had an in-school suspension.
  • I’ve been sent to the principals office.
  • I’ve walked out of class.
  • I’ve skipped an entire day of school.
  • I’ve skipped a whole month of one certain class.
  • I’ve cheated on a test.
  • I’ve helped someone else cheat on a test.
  • I’ve failed Art.
  • I’ve failed P.E.
  • I’ve failed math. 
  • I’ve failed another class.
  • A teacher has called my parents

To my friends

Who are hella fucking fake and don’t ever invite me anywhere

Y’all are pieces of shit and not really my friends

Why I apologize….

So yesterday my friends and I went to the Death Star (a building on the UC Davis campus) to go play cops and robbers and capture the flag

Now I get very competitive, like disgustingly competitive, to the point where this morning I woke up with a sore throat from yelling

Point is I can be really mean, and I was already upset with someone (about other things) and I used my competitive fire as an excuse to just be a bitch to him

Now as I grow older, things eat away at me

Like everyone, we have these moments of paralyzing realization in which we remember when we’ve been an asshole to someone or that we’ve been embarrassing or awkward and those moments of realization eat away at us

So when I’m an asshole, in the moment I can’t see what I’m doing but the next day I’m left with this overwhelming icky-ness

And it just eats away at me, so whenever I’ve been am asshole to someone I try to find my means to apologize regardless of who it is or what it was about I try to apologize

Now some people might say that the reason why I apologize is because I’m growing up and I’m maturing, and that as you mature you try to correct your wrongs

That’s not true, there are lots of people who are POS in this world who don’t care about what they do these are Machiavellian kind of people

But I’m not a Machiavellian kinda person, but I don’t apologize because I’m maturing

I apologize because of what I lost

I used to be such a bitch to my best friend, and when we got into our first real fight I just shut him out and then when I tried coming back to him he wasn’t having it, he didn’t want to deal with me because he was done

And I never once that I need to apologize to him

I never apologized to him after we fought, I expected him to apologize to me and when I finally did apologize to him it was too late

So now I give myself a 24-hour grace period, I give myself 24-hours after having that moment of realization to apologize to the person I’ve been an asshole to

I posted something of Facebook because I had been an ass overall

"I have decided I can no longer play games with my friends tonight, I would like to apologize to everyone who was playing cops and robbers, man hunt, and capture the flag, for my attitude there’s a reason why I don’t even play monopoly #youguyssawmyuglyside

But the person I was an ass to specifically was Ozzy, now it’s not the first time I’ve apologized to him after having a bitch to him, but I apologized to him because I felt this weight on my chest

So I apologized to him not because I think he’s cute or anything like that but because I felt gross

So I texted him saying  ”Hey so I just wanted to apologize about last night I was being an ass and getting out of hand I tend to see red when it comes to competition so sorry my bad!”

To which he responded “It’s totally fine saw your post on FB and I wasn’t even tripping, competition brings out the beast in all of us I understand I appreciate your apology though! I like that about you, when you do these things”

To be honest, that whole last part is awkward but sweet, usually he’s an ass so that was nice, but that sweetness came from the fact that I was being nice

But that’s not the point

The reason why I apologize is because, when I my best friend stopped speaking to me a part of me died

That kid was my world, now I’ve gotten past the dissolution of our friendship I have 

Ok well I mostly have gotten past it

There are days that I miss 

And there are days that I don’t even remember him

But  the dissolution of that friendship taught me somethings

Anyways point is the reason why I apologize to people is because there is a part of me that hopes that I can make up for how I treated him, maybe not to him but to everyone else 

So what Ozzy said made me feel a bit fake

That I do these things, that I apologize

Because the reason why I apologize is because of the person I lost

But as time passes I realize that

I’m growing up, and I’m trying to be a better person

Not for this person I lost but rather because I want to be a better person

Hopefully people won’t remember me as being mean, but rather as someone who when she was mean/wrong/out of line she could recognize it, apologize for it, and make up for it

A little bit of a rant/explanation:
I do not like to ask people for favors, if I can find a way to do something on my own I will. When I can’t and absolutely need help I will ask for help, and if I ask for your help feel honored that I consider you someone I can ask for help, but if you fail me, know that I will never ever ask you for a favor until the day I die, which will be don’t come to my funeral

And I thought….

I though was falling for you, I really did

We had so many good days recently

But then you were just a straight up dick yesterday

And I’m not saying I wasn’t being a bitch

But you were being pretty awful

I put up my front, there’s a reason why it exists

Also if someone is gonna come at me, I will come back at them with equal force, probably even double

That’s why I punched Gio, which I feel bad about, but still no don’t throw shit at my face, EVER

I don’t take lightly to people who throw shit at me, I’m from LA, you don’t fuck with someone who is ALWAYS ready to throw a punch

Last night it was clear that you had been dragged along and didn’t want to be there

Like look I get that my conversation wasn’t that entertaining or anything

And yes there are some views I have and I know I say shit like you “lose” points in my eyes

But really you do, and at least I’m being honest about it

But you, you were being a dick

First of all I personally don’t trust anyone who hasn’t seen a John Hughes

Honestly I don’t trust anyone who thinks that film, literature, and music can impact your life

Film, literature, and music are an expression of what society is thinking right now, right now in that moment

But I think you’ve been upset with me because I respect your brother

I don’t treat your brother like he’s younger I treat him like he’s at my level

I treat everyone like they’re at my level 

I don’t believe in telling people what to do

I believe in giving people my piece and then letting them know that they can make their own decisions

Point sometimes I’ll tell you I don’t like your taste in music, not because its bad, but because its obnoxious

Like your obnoxious about it, you have to be the first person to reach the stereo so you can play your shit and your the first person to veto music when it’s someone else’s

This is my problem, that I see what an ass you are

And look I do want someone who makes me think

I want someone who isn’t afraid to argue with me

But I don’t want someone who is generally an asshole

You are generally an asshole

And I can’t have that